Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Reading isn't an occupation we encourage among police officers. We try to keep the paperwork down to a minimum.

You have a very high probability of your quote and your name being distributed, posted, and shared around the world!

Toulouse Street ran one way toward the Mississippi River. Jackson looked over [Imogene's] head into one of those famous New Orleans courtyards, full of lush foliage, mossy brick, secrets, and wonder.

How could you fail to feel uplifted when a voice was telling you at every step that the year, month, day, season, place, even that very moment were blessed?

Richard Burton came from the same town as me, so I thought I'd follow my nose, and follow my luck. I think I've been very lucky.

It deserves and warrants conversation because somebody is saying, 'Hey, this offends me,'

As McLuhan says, everything happens at once.

You're never promised your next breath.

Good design doesn't cost, but it pays.

Preachers dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight.