Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

The principle of God is love

If you want to see what children can do, you must stop giving them things.

Slaying the dragon of delay is no sport for the short-winded.

My summer reading suggestion: Pick a really famous, really long novel.

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

Westerners know the difference between a talker and the real deal. If Rick Perry wasn't right to be governor of Texas, why should he be president?

...without equality there can be no democracy.

A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life.

You'll never know what's happening inside the heads of other people.

Our lives consist of two numbers: date of birth and date of death.