Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

It seems to me that our lives are consumed by countless wasting years, but only a few shining moments. I missed mine. Yes is what I should have said. Of course I should have said yes.

I reckon you have to put a presence in front of your opponent - a bit of confidence and attitude - and then you can change what their next move may be.

Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Everybody's got their poison, and mine is sugar.

I love putting the music together. It's like art

Any time I'm in a moving thing, like an airplane, I'm usually asleep before we even get on our way.

The important thing is not establishing if you are afraid or not but it's to be able to live with your own fear without being influenced by it. Otherwise it's not courage anymore, but recklessness.

Strive always to excel in virtue and truth.

Each new generation asks – What is the meaning of life? A more fertile way of putting the question would be – Why does man need a meaning to life?

I have no desire to suffer twice, in reality and then in retrospect.