Just remember, somewhere there's some guy who's tired of putting up with her crap

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

Everyone is down on pain, because they forget something important about it: Pain is for the living. Only the dead don't feel it.

I am dying, but with a strong hope and persuasion that my country will gain her independence.

Peace of mind is the basis of a healthy body and a healthy mind; so peace of mind, a calm mind, is very, very important.

I learned from my grandmother, because we were cooking a lot for the farm. Breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Kindness is the music of Good Will to men, and on this harp the smallest fingers may play heaven's sweetest tunes on earth.

Feminism has never been sexy, but let me assure you that it never stopped me from flirting, and I have seldom suffered from lack of men.

I keep working mainly because my wife and I spend most of our time touring the country doing our own plays.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I tell people don't kill all the liberals. Leave enough so we can have two on every campus - living fossils - so we will never forget what these people stood for.

If happiness is anticipation with certainty, we were happy.