Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

It is always harder to climb the mountain. One must find strength of hope within the depths of heart to move onward.

It is absolutely essential to hang in there—especially when you feel most discouraged.

A book or poem which has no pity in it had better not be written.

I pray like a robber asking alms at the door of a farmhouse to which he is ready to set fire.

Hallucinations are an inner experience in which most of the time you forget you're there.

We have sought for firm ground and found none. The deeper we penetrate, the more restless becomes the universe; all is rushing about and vibrating in a wild dance.

Whatever your problem, no matter how difficult, you can release spiritual power sufficient to solve your problem. The secret is--pray and believe.

The daughter never ever gives up on the mother, just as the mother never gives up on the daughter. There is a tie there so strong that nothing can break it.

Madaming is the sort of thing that happens to you - like getting a battlefield commission or becoming the dean of women at Stanford University.

The law of the innermost form of the essay is heresy