Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Of all the ways to lose a person, death is the kindest.

...neither life nor history is an enterprise for those who seek simplicity and consistency.

Who would ever give up the reality of dreams for relative knowledge?

Setting clear goals and finding measures that will mark progress toward them can improve the human condition.

Remember, all the answers you need are inside of you; you only have to become quiet enough to hear them.

Everybody likes a few surprises; it's a perfectly natural human craving.

All high poetry is infinite; it is as the first acorn, which contained all oaks potentially.

I'll certainly be praying for Hillary Clinton, too.

I think the interview form works best on the radio. There are a lot of personality traits conveyed in a person's voice, the rhythm of their speech or how confident they sound.

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it. I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.