Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You know, ” he said. “I think I would rather be a man than a god. We don’t need anyone to believe in us. We just keep going anyhow. It’s what we do.” There was silence, in the high place.

When we teach people to run after miracles, we make them helpless.

Step by step Moment by moment We live through Another day

I'm from the Bob Wills and the Little Richard school of music. Bob Wills did what the hell he thought, Little Richard did what he thought, and those were my big influences.

You can't let the past ruin your future.

The public is the only critic whose judgment is worth anything at all.

I fell in love with folk music at Surprise Lake Camp. It was the songs of Woody Guthrie and the Weavers.

One of the things Donald Trump has criticized Hillary [Clinton] for is discrediting women who said they'd had affairs or been sexually harassed by her husband.

I'm doing this because I want to do it better.