Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

I didn't know how to show my self love, and I didn't want anyone else to hurt me. So my tough girl attitude was like, 'I'm not having it.'

Sometimes it doesn't matter how dark the world gets. You can be saved by the smallest thing.

Our country offers such great opportunities for us all. Unfortunately, too many hard-working citizens go day to day without enough food to eat.

'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said.

We know but a few men, a great many coats and breeches.

When a paradox is widely believed, it is no longer recognized as a paradox.

The person who gives with a smile is the best giver because God loves a cheerful giver.

Writers cannot let themselves be servants of the official mythology. They have to, whatever the cost, say what truth they have to say.

But what we all have to learn is that we can't do everything ourselves.

The absence of a peace treaty [with Japan] is an anachronism we inherited from the past and it must be removed. However, how to do this is a complicated issue.