Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

In summer, a soothing warm breeze on a beach is the most soothing music for the soul.

As is often the case with children, the rule of ‘monkey see, monkey do’ plays out in the workplace. It’s hard to be good role model, and it’s one of the greatest challenges of leadership.

Human sin is stubborn, but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half as persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way

Larine had a bright future ahead of her, but she had to learn to obey the rules before she could begin learning which could be broken and when.

The real trick is to stay alive as long as you live.

I have looked into most philosophical systems and I have seen that none will work without God.

[Knowledge is governed not by] a theory of knowledge, but by a theory of discursive practice.

Tupac Shakur always wanted me to smoke weed with him, and I never did it, and I wish I did...That's my biggest regret.

The telephone is virtual reality in that you can meet with someone as if you are together, at least for the auditory sense.

My whole strength lies in prayer and sacrifice, these are my invincible arms; they can move hearts far better than words, I know it by experience.