Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself.

For you, it’s all about money, money, money. But what about the forests I say? Some of those trees have been there for hundreds of years. What right have you to destroy that?

As I'm getting older, I'm really learning unconditional love and loyalty are extremely important.

I dont have any assistants, I do it all myself, I dont have any secretaries.

Never be ashamed of your problems, your body, yourself. You are worth life.

The attributes of a great lady may still be found in the rule of the four S's: Sincerity, Simplicity, Sympathy, and Serenity.

If you can't feel grateful, if you're discouraged or depressed, then think of the fact that things could be a lot worse than they are.

Stand-up is not just an American thing anymore. It's global. In some places, stand-up comedy is brand new. South Africa has only had a scene for 15 years.

Flattery will get you everywhere," Sam says, "Except, apparently, off a roof.

The fundamental task of the evangelization of culture is the challenge to make God visible in the human face of Jesus.