Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

We are told we must choose — the old or the new. In fact, we must choose both. What is a life if not a series of negotiations between the old and the

Robbers*sometimes your words rob you of your thoughtsand leave you destituteand sadwill they weep for you i wonder_____________________________rassool jibraeel snyman (c) 2015"The Poetic Assassin

You will obtain a vision of matter that is perhaps fatiguing for your imagination, but pure and stripped of what the requirements of life make you add to it in external perception.

Only about half of all commercials actually work.

When you see a white guy at three in the morning on your beat in an alley, you kind of - "What's this guy doing here?"

But you have to have hope. You have to be optimistic in order to continue to move forward.

He could be dominant - if he played in the WNBA.

In the kingdom, the greater our responsibilities, the greater is our need to see ourselves as servants.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Dayodhuam: I have heard the key Turn in the door once and turn once only We think of the key, each in his prison Thinking of the key, each confirms a prison.