Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Hope is like a beautiful flower. If we take great care of our hope, life could be a beautiful garden.

Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion and somethings an indirect boast.

The essence of mathematics lies in its freedom.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to go there right away.

You want to know the way to raise money? Put a transaction fee on Wall Street, so maybe we can curb some of the speculation and raise some money.

Well, my opinion is that real change occurs through deep interpersonal experiences. Others will also say deep spiritual experiences.

The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

Death is the Christian's vacation morning. School is out. It is time to go home.

You simply can't make someone love you if they don't. You must choose someone who already loves you. If you choose someone who does not love you, this is the sort of love you must want.