Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I wanted to fall

You have a choice! Deal with life's problems ... or life will deal with you.

Aquinas brought an Aristotelian view of reason back into European culture, and lighted the way toward the Renaissance.

In a time of war, truth is always replaced by propaganda.

I'm in a no-win situation. If I have my kids in the show, I'm exploiting them. If I don't, people will think I'm not a hands-on mom.

Geometry is moribund. I want a lilt and joy to art.

I chose to believe that God, a benign God, would understand our sufferings and forgive us our trespasses.

Better to put things at the worst at first and reserve the best for a surprise.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

Now when I get auditions, I choose to believe that I am an amazing actor.