Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

Before marriage keep your eyes wide open, after marriage keep them half closed.

Positive energy, positive work.

I am a person who continually destroys the possibilities of a future because of the numbers of alternative viewpoints I can focus on the present.

Design implies a sense of mapping something out and then you follow the plan.

I feel like Sony appreciates good music from a talented artist.

There is nothing wrong with a writer who has a distinct style in book after book, but I am not interested in repeating myself.

There is nothing terribly wrong with my face, even if some of its parts aren't very inspiring.

No person, no idea, and no religion deserves to be illegal to insult, not even the Church of Emacs.

We wouldn't survive if people didn't trust us.

I know perfectly well my own egotism.