Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The biggest, toughest competition in the future will be the battle for your time and attention. Your one thing — your call to adventure — is your best tool in that battle.

He hissed and rocked his hips into her. “You like to bite?”“I’m a cat, aren’t I?

The more candles on my cake means I get a little more exercise in blowing them out.

A person is an entity of a sort to which the only proper and adequate way to relate is love.

If you wish success in life make perseverance your bosom friend.

Education is a weapon whose effects depend on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.

Liberty, equality, fraternity, or death; - the last, much the easiest to bestow, O Guillotine!

I would love to take off the stilettos and put the boots back on. Strap something to my hip, and let's go!

The Eucharist is the link that binds the Christian family together. Take away the Eucharist and you have no brotherliness left

[Magna Carta provided] "a system of checks and balances which would accord the monarchy its necessary strength, but would prevent its perversion by a tyrant or a fool.