Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can't fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.

No matter how bad that you think things are going in your life, some people would still consider your state of living a blessing compared to theirs.

She knows herself to be at the mercy of events, and she knows by now that events have no mercy.

Have a life that matters. A life with purpose. Find your own way but don't lose sight of the journey.

Unlike most major American cities, Honolulu is geographically insulated from the rest of the country. When disaster strikes we cannot call on neighboring states for assistance.

I started out as a molecules kid. In high school and early college I loved chemistry, but I gradually shifted toward physics, which seemed cleaner - odorless, in fact.

Philosophy may in no way interfere with the actual use of language; it can in the end only describe it.

I've done the performing monkey stuff and massive breakdowns, it's just they weren't documented.

I never think of myself as a celebrity - or even an actor, actually. I think of myself as a writer-director.

My first paying job, when I was 15, I was a day camp counselor.