Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

I sit under the weeping willow to watch the hanged man divine his truth.

With boys there was a fundamental assumption that they had a right to be there—not always, but more often than not. With girls, Why her? came up so quickly.

Boys annoyed her. Girls annoyed her. She should have been a cat.

This was why I hated beautiful people. They build you up and then they destroy you. And we let 'em.

If supernatural aspect of the assignment is lost then the natural aspect manifests

My body is a projection of my consciousness.

'Fox News' will one day come to an end. Led Zeppelin will not. It's as simple as that.

Everyone has a book inside of them - but it doesn't do any good until you pry it out.

Stars don't sit still, they twinkle

You can't, or you shouldn't, be nominated for an Oscar unless you've turned in a performance that's special.