Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Anger makes us lash out at others, destroying relationships and revealing our true nature. The history of the human race is largely the history of its anger.

A recession is when you have to tighten your belt; depression is when you have no belt to tighten. When you've lost your trousers - you're in the airline business.

I'm suggesting that we abolish the social function of prisons.

I don't type [when I write] because . . . I often have the feeling that everything flows directly from my right hand.

I was a total jock growing up. I went to super-dorky basketball clinics and was handpicked to play on a state team called the Texas Heat.

To rectify past blunders is impossible, but we might profit by the experience of them.

Materialism ends up denying the existence of any irreducible subjective qualitative states of sentience or awareness.

Followers of Jesus don’t so much see different things from anyone else as they see the same things differently.

When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.

[On an anarchist acquaintance:] Everything in appearance the most alarmist aunt could wish.