Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Never stop dreaming, never stop believing, never give up, never stop trying, and never stop learning.

The Lord created you and protects you always

The objection to fairy stories is that they tell children there are dragons, but children have always known there are dragons. Fairy stories tell children that dragons can be killed.

The point of criticism is to build you as a leader and a dimension to reflect.

As a singer, I might have fallen among thieves. I wonder if I'd still be alive by now.

There's not a strong autobiographical strain in my fiction. A few bits of fact here and there.

Judge if you want, we are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.

I love teaching. It's a job that lasts forever. Whatever you teach children today travels with them far into the future.

If you allow yourself to feel fabulous, you are fabulous.

My belief in God is responsible for what I am... How can I refuse to talk about something which is so much a prt of my life both as a man and as a actor?