Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If you meditate in perfect peace and then flash someone an irritable look because they make noise or their child cries, you are entirely missing the point.

He helps make me be the best person I can be. that's how I knew that he was the one. I'm better with him than I was without him.

People who don't take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year. People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.

He's just like a stallion. Wild and kicking on the outside, but a heart soft as satin on the inside. Just waiting for the right girl to break him in.

I consider myself a natural optimist. I like the dark side of things.

The heart is where is where the action is

Sometimes girls would come in and audition and they'd talk down, and it was like, "No, no, talk to the human eye level."

The one thing I missed was never having children. It just wasn't in the cards, I guess.

No woman shall have the legal right to bear a child without a permit for parenthood.

I believe an artist dies twice. The first time, it's just terrible - I've been there when the phone isn't ringing for years.