Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Chaos limits the free-flow of love and becomes a roadblock to what family members want most and sadly, it becomes the normal for the family.

Arrogance and fanaticism cause the hardening of positions taken and entrenchment can only lead to a dead end.

Nor problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

I love live music and I love to see people's faces when I'm performing.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

If you want something done right, just forget it.

Leadership is all hype. We've had three great leaders in this century-Hitler, Stalin, and Mao.

Whensoever the General Government assumes undelegated powers, its acts are unauthoritative, void, and of no force.

The true nature of soul is right knowledge, right faith and right conduct. The soul, so long as it is subject to transmigration, is undergoing evolution and involution.

I really dig the writers, and I think they challenged me for the most part throughout the journey on the show. If you don't challenge me in a series sort of situation, boy, I couldn't be on it long.