Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I’m bored to death. Perhaps I should pillage one of my neighbors for my own amusement. It seems to work for Drowden.

The truly free person in society is a disciplined person.

The emotions may be endless. The more we express them, the more we may have to express.

Fire is the most tolerable third party

A good name is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.

People don't mind being challenged to do better if they know the request is coming from a caring heart

Ah hell. We had more fun in a week than those weenies had in a lifetime.

The most dominant cultural attributes maintained are the ones that are reinforced by your environment.

Despite a lot of people thinking that everything gets more and more difficult, I always assumed that people are going to be "Oh, at last you buckled, you're trying to be commercial."

When you go beyond awareness, there is a state of nonduality, in which there is no cognition, only pure being. In the state of nonduality, all separation ceases.