Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I will not deny but that the best apology against false accusers is silence and sufferance, and honest deeds set against dishonest words.

I have always liked clothes - throughout my life, my saving grace has been my own vanity.

Time and distance have a way of playing tricks with your best intentions.

You walked out of my dreams and into my car.

My whole journey has been about self-acceptance.

If you want to be treated like adults then start acting like them.

To become a master communicator: shut your mouth & listen first.

To say what you feel is to dig your own grave.

A successful man has the following qualities: A smile that doesn't die; patience; fearless mind; love; self- confidence; love for everybody.

I'm not flailing now, as my muscles are rigid with the tension of holding myself together.