Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Steel screams when it's forged, it gasps when it's quenched. It creaks when it goes under load. I think even steel is scared, son.

Blessed are you who forgive.You will forever be happy.

Though I am not naturally honest, I am sometimes so by chance.

I don’t live by other people’s time tables

Words lie. Blood doesn't.

Even buying a swimsuit is super difficult. And then making one is even harder.

I really have never been concerned about being beautiful on-screen. That's just not my jam.

Work in nightclubs was interesting. There were interesting people and places, but by and large, the commercial music experience.

No matter where you go and what you do in America, you turn the tele on and you're confronted with violence.

How do you humiliate and demean someone and then expect him or her to care about product quality.