Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Ignorance is the parent of fear.

Love is the universe.

Violence does not and cannot flourish by itself; it is inevitably intertwined with lying.

Laughing and Love. They are both drugs.

I think the National Football League needs a new union. The heavyweights of this union are not heavyweights enough.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

People who think a tax boost will cure inflation are the same ones who believe another drink will cure a hangover.

Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams.

We shall play every game to the hilt with every ounce of fiber we have in our bodies.

All you need is passion. If you have a passion for something, you'll create the talent.