Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping, faces slappingLeft and right.

In your sky, you are the brightest star.Without you light, it’s dark like tar.So love yourself to enlighten others.

He who can, can...He who cannot, cannot...But, He who can and will not, Fails.

I don't spend that much time being introspective, believe it or not. All I know is that I grew up not questioning God because that's how you are. God was there like the birds and the wind.

I became the first ever Euro-continental champion in WWF history. Well, besides D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count.

There's a cardinal rule that you don't talk about sharks. If you don't see it, it's not there.

Life is hard, but death is even harder.

If I rest, if I think inward, I go mad.