Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Not to take one's own suffering seriously, to make light of it or even to laugh at it, is considered good manners in our culture.

If you could get all the people in the organization rowing in the same direction, you could dominate any industry, in any market, against any competition, at any time.

My life takes me all over the world, and I know how hard that can be on a relationship.

A lot of people have dementia, which is great, because then they don't recognize me.

Globalization is a form of totalitarianism... It is the rich who rule, and the poor live as they can.

There's only one sort of natural blonde on earth - albinos.

Music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.

Where power is absent we may find the robe of genius, but we miss the throne.

He who is false to the present duty breaks a thread in the loom, and you will see the effect when the weaving of a life-time is unraveled.