Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Life is doubt, and faith without doubt is nothing but death.

If you are pro love, you have to be a little bit disloyal to the romantic feelings that propel you in the early days.

Life is too short to spend it being angry, bored, or dull.

Life is short, so I am one of those people - and luckily my girlfriend is too - who wants to live everywhere. I don't know how long I'll be there, but I like it right now.

One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.

Fame means absolutely nothing except a good table at a restaurant.

An eight-mile drive over rain-washed Irish roads in the quick-falling dusk of autumn is an experience trying to the patience, even to the temper, of the average Saxon.

The first six years of my career, I got more comments on my weight than on my singing. So I think I became so self-conscious that I started working on it harder.

Liberal economists conceive of societies as black boxes connected by exchange rates; as long as exchange rates are correct, what goes on inside the black box is regarded as not very important.

This child, who is grasping the stone, facing the tank, is it not the greatest message to the world when that hero becomes a martyr? We are proud of them.