Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I still miss him.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Every man is defined by his deeds.

A photographer must be prepared to catch and hold on to those elements which give distinction to the subject or lend it atmosphere.

A good deal of Paradise Lost strikes one as being almost as mechanical as bricklaying.

The most desirable aspects of the Law of the Sea Treaty pertain to navigational rights.

I've got more energy now than when I was younger because I know exactly what I want to do.

I wonder if novels work for women because they give us a safe place to talk about our ish.

I'm an old-school guy.

I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.

Do not sanction an absurdity.

I think it's important that you know that I will never change. But I'll never stay the same either