Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an' it keeps on laughin'.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Bad people often end up as heroes.

It is the attention we give to bad situations that stops us from getting out of them.

What you don't sweat out when you're young will turn into tears when you're old.

Loneliness is just a thing that I'm not personally interested in. So far, it hasn't been on my docket of things to write about.

Nothing is so weakening as regret.

They (american press) always blame America first!

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

The church is under orders. Evangelistic inactivity is disobedience.

A good whack on the head usually has the same effect.

Oh, nature's noblest gift, my grey goose quill, Slave of my thoughts, obedient to my will, Torn from the parent bird to form a pen, That mighty instrument of little men.