Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

In this life, when you deny someone an apology, you will remember it at time you beg forgiveness.

Many an injustice is presented as a solution and gift.

Better to seek change by inspiration, than out of desperation.

Mirth is the Mail of Anguish --

Every individual or national degeneration is immediately revealed by a directly proportional degradation in language.

You can recover from the writing malady only by falling mortally ill and dying.

There was tremendous animus to President [Barack] Obama. Many of people said he was un-American, not a Christian and worse.

There is unpanned gold in every soul you run into, no matter what walk of life they are from.

Don't dismiss the heart, even if it's filled with sorrow. God's treasures are buried in broken hearts.

Life is habit. Or rather life is a succession of habits.