Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

And no child deserved to die for defending her father, no matter who she was

Take the time every day to teach and train yourself how to ask empowering questions. Those who ask the right questions change the world.

Define the life you want.Never allow yourself to be bullied.No one knows your destiny.

I just wanted to be the first one to fly for America, not because I'd end up in the pages of history books.

It's a very American thing to hide away from death.

Primary (the LDS Church's Sunday school for children) is where you go to do with somebody else's mother the things you would do with your own mother if she weren't so busy teaching Primary.

I'm an inexperienced reporter, and I'm still learning.

We can no longer prosper by increasing human productivity. The more we try to do, the more poverty we will create.

A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place, but intends to stay.

Maybe I was born to play ball. Maybe I truly was.