Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

I don't know anyone who is a writer who isn't influenced by the relationships in their life.

A-well-a, splish, splash, I forgot about the bath, I went and put my dancing shoes on.

I didn't know you were bringing the mundane." His blue eyes flicked uneasily over Simon. "That's what I like about you people," said Simon. "You always make me feel so welcome.

The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.

My advice to any actor who's playing, quote, unquote, "extra" to think of it more like Stanislavski did. It's not a small part. You are the lead in the movie, in your own movie.

Every war is a national misfortune.

Why was man created before woman? Because you always need a rough draft before the final copy.” – Chloe Traeger

A man may be as straight as an arrow, but even then he will have some critics.

High calls low and low calls high. I tell you, if you were in such dire straits as I was, you too would elevate your thoughts. The lower you are, the higher your mind will want to soar.