Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

To demand that the intelligence abstain from judging mutilates its faculty of understanding.It is in the value judgment that understanding culminates.

Let it die. Let there be a new beginning. It’s awful. Goodnight.

There is safety in numbers.

It is very iniquitous to make me pay my debts - you have no idea of the pain it gives one.

I have granted you much that you asked: and yet you never cease to ask of me. He who refuses nothing, Atticilla, will soon have nothing to refuse.

I'm like really famous. I got a famous anus.

Swearing when in heavy traffic.

The last thing we wanted was a copycat. When we saw [Richie Faulkner] play, we thought, "We don't have to tell this guy anything. He's got it."

Deeper than temperature and the extinction of the polar bear is the idea that we all share this beautiful, ailing planet, Democrats and Republicans alike.

No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler?