Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

things keep falling in and out of place. this is the universe's way of taking care of me.

Life is not breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

Mae West had it right—try anything once, do it again if you like it.

The one thing that makes me feel super lucky about my financial success is that I have a housekeeper.

The mine owners do not find the gold.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

It's but little good you'll do a-watering the last year's crops

Thanks, it's my own recipe. I use cheddar cheese instead of water.

When the companies started making made-for-TV movies, people thought it was a fluke. Who would watch that? Because it's in your TV screen and not in a theater. Remember that?