Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Lies can be formed from truth, but truth cannot be formed from lies.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

I have two children who died before reaching 30, so who am I to complain about being alive?

When I look at something, it is certain that for an instant I am one with what I see.

I'll smoke anything. I won't spend a lot of money on cigars, because I consider that too self indulgent. $3, max, except for special occasions. And yes, I do know the difference.

I think it's a pretty good day if I can get through it without lifting a finger.

Real change isn't measured with words, it is measured with real achievements.

One starts to get young at the age of sixty and then it is too late.

I never had the... common anxiety as to whether abstract painting had a given 'meaning.