Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Economics, politics, and personalities are often inseparable.

I was always an observer, even as a child. I could be satisfied to sit in a car for 3 hours and just look at the street go by while my mother went shopping.

It means you got your glow on." He smiled, hovering right alongside me. "It means you're on your way.

I have made many millions but they have brought me no happiness.

I am inspired by the lives of good and faithful women. From the beginning of time, the Lord has placed significant trust in them.

Many of my executives have worked with me since the beginning. I can be fair and decisive and encouraging as well as demanding.

God has implanted a natural tendency to the monarchial form of government not only in the hearts of men but in practically all things.

When someone offers me a job or a project, I always ask myself, "What does it tell me about the world?" and "Have I seen it before?" Two good questions.

One of my greatest talents is recognizing talent in others and giving them the forum to shine.

I can win those four-chair turns all day.