Let's face it, all the good stuff happens after midnight.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Natural isn't the same as right. Normal isn't the same as moral. Everyone deserves a say in what happens to the world.

If the sun rolled back like an eye, it would see the mind of God.

Memories were like tomb paintings, thought the Major, the colors still vivid no matter how many layers of mud and sand time deposited. Scrape at them and they come up all red and blazing.

The only thing mothers have in common with each other is the fact that they slept with a man while they were ovulating without the appropriate protection

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

It requires no small degree of ability to know when to conceal one's ability.

I regard a great ad as the most beautiful thing in the world.

Suppose they gave a war, and no one came?

The asp doth on his feeder feed.

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.