Let's get up here before we get killed!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Even if everybody says it’s impossible, with determination, there is always something you can do. The last thing is to give up without trying

Don't ever give up on ability. Don't give up on a player who has it.

Being on 'The Sopranos' definitely prepared me for the militant secrecy of 'Mad Men.'

The dog, on the other hand, has few or no ideas because his brain acts in coarse fashion and because there are few connections with each single process.

If you live in a place for long you cease to read about it.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

I just turned 66, and I'm starting to work again.

We may form free constitutions, but our vices will destroy them; we may enact laws, but they will not protect us.

The invalid assumption that correlation implies cause is probably among the two or three most serious and common errors of human reasoning.

Music was sort of an accident for me. I love to do it. I can't imagine doing anything else.