Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

A person who publishes a book willfully appears before the populace with his pants down. If it is a good book nothing can hurt him. If it is a bad book nothing can help him.

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.

It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents us from living freely and nobly.

The tyranny of distance is such an important element of policy and the allocation of resources.

To make a man richer, give him more money of curb his desires.

Let us shout of our God from the rooftops, that the whole world would stand in silence before him.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

There is no one on earth more disgusting and repulsive than he who gives alms. Even as there is no one so miserable as he who accepts them.

In the performance of a good action, we not only benefit ourselves, but we confer a blessing upon others.

I never had a brian till freak came along.