Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Don't ask about my past. And never expect a future.

If self-employment is the opposite of employed-by-other, than a job is outsourcing your freedom (time and talent) to a boss.

Respect the burden.

Right action tends to be defined in terms of general individual rights and standards that have been critically examined and agreed upon by the whole society.

What will it take for you to believe in me, the way that I believe in you?

Ceremonies are the first thing to be attended to in the practice of government.

I've got a bit of an independent streak. I'm not afraid of bipartisan compromise on issues that are important to the nation.

Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

It is truly a triumph of rhetoric over reality when people can believe that going into politics is 'public service,' but that producing food, shelter, transportation, or medical care is not.