Life always kills you in the end, but first it prevents you from getting what you want.

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

You can't fake creativity, competence, or sexual arousal.

Fondue sets, martini shakers and juicing machines: three things the world could live completely without.

If a building looks better under construction than it does when finished, then it's a failure.

Big companies are like marching bands. Even if half the band is playing random notes, it still sounds kind of like music. The concealment of failure is built into them.

Eagles are seagulls with a good hairdo.

We decided that the French could never write user-friendly software because they're so rude.

Is there anything in the world more annoyingly creepy than an unspoken dress code?

When we constantly ask for miracles, we're unraveling the fabric of the world. A world of continuous miracles would not be a world, it would be a cartoon.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

Don’t freak out, I’m getting into the bed, ” he said.

Poverty is a mental virus, even if one could get a million, the mindset will always kick in.

There is still zero empirical evidence that anthropogenic production of CO2 is making any measurable contribution to the world's present warming trend.

Those people on daytime TV talking about how their parents never gave them the positive feedback they needed and that's why they shot them- those are not Minnesotans.

Better a man honor his profession than be honored by it.

I couldn't imagine, you know, God having a plan for my life. I thought I planned my life out.

Yes, I'm a homosexual and I like to shock people with glamour.

Recovery is about purpose and meaning in life, not “sobriety” and meetings.