Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

They got the absolute freedom to choose what we want them to.

Let’s train ourselves to not hate each other

Art at its most significant is a Distant Early Warning System that can always be relied on to tell the old culture what is beginning to happen to it.

Impression is not enough. Design, style, technique - these, too, are not enough. Art must reach further than impression or self-revelation .

Get around the right people. Associate with positive, goal-oriented people who encourage and inspire you.

If you put a demo on the net and people say it was the finished version then they're going to say it sucks. I really hate that.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

I think that we honor ourselves by honoring our past.

The ode lives upon the ideal, the epic upon the grandiose, the drama upon the real.

History must speak for itself. A historian is content if he has been able to shed more light.