Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

All the mysteries of the universe are solved within the Imagination.

When we ask people to live their lives through our models, we are potentially reducing life itself. How can we ever know what we might be losing?

To be truly alive is to feel one's ultimate existence within one's daily existence.

I've failed way more than I've succeeded.

The heart of a man's like that delicate weed, / Which requires to be trampled on, boldly indeed / Ere it gives forth the fragrance you wish to extract.

But even in the Christian religion, much of its real meaning is hidden by words that are misleading and symbols that but few understand.

I consider myself a student of life.

Do not wait for anybody or anything. Do whatever you can. Build your hope on none.

The reality is that who you are is who you are right this second, not who you were at any moment in the past because it doesn't exist anymore. It's done. It's over.

My first paying job, when I was 15, I was a day camp counselor.