Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Hit your hand on a stone and expect it to hurt.

To seek fulfillment is to invite frustration.

Christmas When Music Almost Killed the World

You suffer from the oldest delusion in politics. You think you can change the world by talking to a leader. Leaders are the effects, not the causes of changes.

I've learned all I need to know to live under a bed.

The experience of others adds to our knowledge, but not to our wisdom; that is dearer bought.

As far as I'm concerned playing 'Dress Up' begins at the age of five, and never truly ends.

I think that we definitely have opportunities to share our love and support with other people.

In the '60s and '70s, people didn't pay a lot of attention to gangs. I think gangs still existed, but gangs had fallen out of criminological favor.

I belong to a specific category of writers, those who speak and write in a language different from that of their parents.