Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

We will all be destroyed whether we like it or not. I say let's like it.

Is that you giggling away to glory?Or is that just the flowers mingling with the bees and telling their story?

My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.

Whether it's eight o'clock in the morning or eight o'clock at night, I always try to greet others before they have a chance to speak to me.

I'm not naturally manipulative.

I have eyes like a bullfrog, a neck like an ostrich and long, limp hair. You just have to be good to survive with that equipment.

I went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face, combed my hair. If I could only comb that face, I thought, but I can't.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I baptize you not in the name of the father, but in the name of the devil. (Ego baptizo te in nomine patris, sed in nomine diaboli.)

Congress shall never disarm any citizen unless such as are or have been in actual rebellion.