Life is just a bowl of pits.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Can you imagine a waveless ocean while there is a big storm outside? And that calm ocean is the ocean of wisdom!

To excel the past we must not allow ourselves to lose contact with it on the contrary we must feel it under our feet because we raised ourselves upon it.

One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well.

I was very happy to be living in New York at that time, more than in the present time. Now it's all commerce.

When a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another.

I think this is the biggest win in my career. To beat Venus in Wimbledon is just something amazing.

Comedy breaks down walls. It frees us for just a moment from the ugliness of this world.

You put junk in, junk comes out. You put good in, good comes out.

If the women in the factories stopped work for twenty minutes, the Allies would lose the war.

I always knew how to cook and at one point in my career where I had done nine television pilots before Three's Company and they all failed, I just got discouraged.