Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Getting an education might be difficult, but it makes life easy. Being uneducated might be easy, but it makes life difficult.

How long does it take man to realize that he cannot want what he wants? You have to live in hell to see heaven.

If you want to make your children brilliant, tell them fairy tales. If you want to make them more brilliant, tell them more fairy tales.

Many Christians suffer from loneliness because they are sitting instead of serving.

Creatively, editing was the most painful part of the process for me.

Seek for the boldest color possible, content is irrelevant.

I live in Tuxedo Park, N.Y. and spend time in the West Village, where my wife Elizabeth Cotnoir, a writer-producer and documentary filmmaker, has an office.

It seems the baseball player of today will not be satisfied until he plays two weeks in the big league and is able to retire at twenty-two.

Activity does not necessarily mean life. Quasars are active. And a monk meditating is not inanimate.

I can not imagine a God ... made happy by my getting down on my knees and calling him 'great'.