Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

True worship can only take place when we agree to God sitting not only on His throne in the center of the universe, but on the throne that stands in the center of our heart.

I tell lies somewhere else, but not here, not in front of myself.

A man's character is best described in his epitaph

Not a softness anywhere about me, Only whalebone and brocade.

There's always SOMEONE in support as long as he can be assured or he himself feels confident of getting, in return, SOMETHING beneficial of any sort.

Give up being right. Instead radiate peace, harmony, love, and laughter from your heart.

I believe in a kind of fidelity to your own early ideas; it's a kind of antagonism in me to prevailing fads.

All men shall be my slaves! All women shall succumb to my charms! All mankind shall grovel at my feet and not know why!

Although I had a few jobs that I didn't like, or quit, or got fired from, I really loved New York from the moment I got here and I never stopped.

If there are no spots on a sugar cube then I’ve just put a dice in my tea.