Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Believe in your dream and strength of your divine-self.

Punctuality is not just limited to arriving at a place at right time, it is also about taking actions at right time.

What happens when people open their hearts?""They get better.

A man who is good from docility, and not from stern self-control, has no character.

The worm in the radish doesn't think there is anything sweeter.

EQUAL RIGHTS and FREE DISCUSSION will be fearlessly advocated and maintained. Sectarian dogmas or tenets will be investigated and compared.

Three words for those who want to put the Christ back in Christmas: Jingle Bell Rock.

I don't have no favorite rock bands. I'm a fan of rock music though.

I think the Russians have played now for some time the role of providing cover for Bashar al-Assad's behavior. The alternative explanation that the Russians put forth is simply not plausible.

It's so nice to know where you're going, in the early stages. It almost rids you of the wish to go there.